♥ ilovemad ♥

Bohol Bee Farm

Our boat trip to Bohol started off with a long delay, borderline cancellation.  We had nothing better to do in the pier for six hours and we didn't want to go to the mall.  Our room reservation at the Bohol Bee Farm was waiting for us that night, so we better show up.

Ham's always a sucker for a good massage at the waiting lounge, so I had to buy a donut and bottles of water to break a P1000 bill for Ham.  We had free packed lunch from 2GO (rice, salty noodles, weird longganisa), since the next trip falls around 145pm. It's Mochi's first boat ride. 

We were bumped up to business class since they used a different boat for this trip and our assigned seats were located up there.  The ticket man said there's a price difference but it's okay, we just don't get snacks (juice & crackers). It took us around two hours to cross over to Bohol side, plus another half an hour to get to the Bee Farm by car.

We got upgraded to the Eggplant Room.  From where?  I didn't bother asking.  I wanted to know if we have drinking water inside the room for Mochi's milk.  We have to purchase bottled water.  Good thing I brought along the hot water pot.  We were all tired and Mochi was still asleep from the ride.  The moment we got inside the room, Mochi began to wail.  He wanted to go swimming.

It was a wading pool.  Cold.  It was getting dark late in the afternoon.  I was looking forward to ordering dinner.  Having heard so much about the organic food, I wasn't really keen on having salad though.

I ordered Coriander Soup for Mochi (it came in a big bowl with bits of veggies floating on a coconut cream base soup).  Ham had the Baby Back Ribs with Red Rice (not a good choice since we're far from civilization, the meat has a weird smell).  I wanted to try the cabcab crackers with pesto dip but chose the Spicy Flower Salad (the flowers were wilted on a bed of shredded chicken and I think there were bits of fish because of the thin bones, and God the dish was screaming hot! Not that I can't tolerate spicy food but all my brain registered was spicy and not the taste of flowers nor the special dressing.  I have this sneaky feeling that they're leftovers of some sort mixed into the dishes). Most of the dishes cost P200+ and I think that's what added to my dismay.  It fell short of my expectation.  My only consolation was the bland Coriander Soup.  I actually could taste the crunchy vegetables.

One thing really nice is that the ladies who waited on us, took turns in carrying Mochi while Ham and I dined.

Mochi woke up in the middle of the night and walked over to the sofa bed to continue his sleep.  He didn't want to be sandwiched in between two adults.  Mochi said that the pillow is too gahi.  Reklamador bah.  Actually, we didn't make much of a fuss about the broken shower heater.  I just braved the cold shower.  Ham on the other hand, called the staff to fix the cable box.  The two ladies came over and told him that he needed to load the cable box to avail of the desired channels.  The older lady told him to watch the 700 Club nalang.  I was secretly laughing.

The following morning, I believe I enjoyed breakfast buffet, particularly the honey glazed ham.  I can't believe I didn't take photos of it.  Proof that I gobbled it up and went for seconds.  What made it enjoyable is that I wasn't expecting the usual breakfast but found some comfort food like hot sinigang soup and waffles with honey, muffins/breads (I presume, leftover from the bakery) with pesto spread, fried tilapia.  I requested for a banana for Mochi.

The rest of the morning, we hung out at the gift shop.  I was reading while sipping a sample of sikwate.  The perfect time to read Sue Monk Kidd's The Secret Life of Bees, eh? The boys were eating ice cream non-stop.  Ginger ice cream was our favorite.  I love how the savory cabcab cone paired up nicely with the sweetness of the ice cream.  We tasted different samples of honey.  Ate the Carrot Squash Muffins non-stop, even took two boxes home. 

We tried different vacation hats.  Role played like tourists to souvenirs.  Chatted with the staff.  Would you believe the farm employs around 200 staff?  We watched what everyone was busy about the whole day.  Watched tourists come and go.  Anything just to keep sane.

We signed up for the farm tour of the honey bees.  I came home and wanted a bee box in the backyard.  Silly me.  That's from having too much honey in two days.  I believe I sweated out honey and peed honey.  I realized I came home without buying some honey.  I got a Honeyed Tomato Soap instead.  Makes me want to eat the soap. And lastly, I took home a sprig of Angelica from the garden. OMG.  I'm just like Mother. It seemed like we were away for a week when in fact it was only overnight.  We were so glad we came home to our real beecation.

This morning, I found myself moving and repotting plants in the garden. Also stuck some new seeds in little pots.

I love how the moist earth smelled. Reminds me of Ireland or the English countryside. Not that I'd been there though.

I love how my hands feel at home when I dig deep into the dirt and watch the earthworms jump up in surprise.

I love how eternity seeps in, the moment I'm looking at tiny buds and sprouts, checking for signs of life from a broken limb.

I love turning on the garden lights in the middle of the night just to peek at the plants and smell the evening dew.

I love how I'm thinking of my plants whenever I'm not thinking of plants.

I meant to say, something differently familiar.

These days, I don't know what to feel or what to think. It's just what it is or how things are or what things are. I can't seem to get past thinking about what's in store for me next week, except for scheduled doctor's appointments or vaguely remember what happened yesterday or the distant past.

I think it's a good thing.

Tonight, Mochi is asleep in his room with Sarah Brightman's Classics looping in the iPod dock. I left his door open, so I can rush inside in case he coughs up hard and needs to puke out his phlegm. I stationed a little plastic basin beside his bed and a roll of toilet paper for clean-up.

I can hear him mumbling now. Sleep talking, I guess. He's been having dialogues in French, taken from the movie Samy's Adventures. It's a turtle movie. Apparently, he memorized parts of the movie's lines and uses them when he acts out his plays.

I'm here in my desk trying to recall things to do. I hate it when I do not remember what I'm supposed to do if I don't sit on my desk for the day. I am still trying to figure out how to change my work habits. I have to write and look at a big piece of paper calendar in order to get a picture of what's going on, and getting me to switch to a tablet or smartphone is like having to take out my gall bladder.

I tend to write things on little scraps of paper. Well, I forget where I put the paper. I was thinking if I get a smartphone, maybe I can have everything listed in there. What if I misplace my phone? Out of sight, out of mind. That's me.

I sort of stopped (for a moment) thinking of what the heck is wrong with me. I already brushed my teeth. Still, I wanted something to munch tonight. I've capped inner with a mug of sikwate. I was looking for a different taste in my mouth.

I found Mother's jar of hummus in the fridge. What to dip it with? The jar of salvaro seemed harmless. Oh wow. I haven't tasted something weird in a long time. It's like savoring something familiar from the past. I try not to identify what it is. I try not to dissect the ingredients of the hummus but my brain started picking on tahini. I tried to recall what tahini is. Is it made from sesame seeds? I just had to stop analyzing things and savor what it is right here in front of me.

Earlier, after watching this movie in dvd, Ham mentioned that it's not good to take a lot of pictures of the people you love, because when they die, it will take you too long to get over viewing those photographs.  I think it's hogwash.  I'm still figuring out how to take photos with an awkward-size tablet.  I just know, once I cross over to android, things will never be the same.

Sometimes, I don't know who it is walking around with my body. I look at things like it is for the first time. Thank God, I still know I exist in Multiply!

 It dawned upon me yesterday that I had to snip off some herbs from my garden.  What do I do with them?  I'm just so lazy to make something these days.

I've always imagined that someday I'd have a farm (the traditional acre-sized plot) where I can plant things here and there.  Wait, I already have a mini farm here at home.  An urban farm, that is.  I'm getting confident on growing plants and herbs each time I practice outdoors.  No amount of reading can make up for the hands-on, trial and error experience when growing things.

Since most of us here are having some sort of throat irritation, I thought I'd gather useful herbs (oregano, mayana, lemongrass, pandan, mint, turmeric and a bitter herb which I don't know the name of) for a concoction.  I don't know the precise measurements but just gather a bit and put them in a pot to boil as tea.  I used up the half bottle of honey since we drank the tea the whole day.  I think this is better than the packaged drinks from the fridge.

The rest of the herbs (2 kinds of basil, parsely, mint) were made into pesto for dinner.

I'm still having trouble growing my tomatoes though.  The pests really bug me!

Mochi has been pestering me to push his bike while I was working the garden the other day.  He tried all sorts of tricks to get me to notice him.  Finally, I went over and hosed him down since he was covered with dirt.  He loved it!

I don't know if this was the cause of his fever yesterday.  It's our dirty little secret though.

I was wondering why Mochi covers his ears whenever he eats a chunk of ice cream or sips mango shake.  'Yun pala, he gets brain freeze like Frankenstein.

 The lady beside us wondered why Mochi prefers Strawberry Sorbet over what most kids prefer, Chocolate Ice Cream.  I guess he has a penchant for sour things like iba or calamansi.

I woke up really sweaty at 1:30am.  Got up and changed my shirt.  I turned on the wall fan and drank a glass of water, make it two glasses of water.  It's officially summer and there are no traces of night breeze watsoever, at least, from where I am camped out.

It's been officially a week since I moved out of Mochi's room.  Again, I am this homeless hobo looking for a place to squat.  For two years, I had to endure the freezing airconditioner in Mochi's room with my nightly arctic attire.  It's sort of practice rigor mortis pose.  I hate waking up cold and stiff.

So here I am, sleeping in the old dining room, with a mosquito net hung above my bed.  I used to have three pillows but left the other pillow in Mochi's room.  Now, I sleep with one or no pillow at all (because there's just too many things in bed and I couldn't move). I've done away with the blanket.  Jesus, it takes getting used to sleeping with a mosquito net and a real bed.  A woven rattan bed would be nice sans the mattress.

For almost a week, I've had weird dreams of upheaval or being trapped.  I think it was my subconscious fear of falling off the bed or being enclosed in a net.  I've been sleeping on the mattress on the floor for two years and it's just weird to sleep in a raised bed.

Well, I'm up.  I put on my headphones and listened to two versions of I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Rait and George Michael.  I love this song for its soothing effect on me.  Sort of comforting when it makes me feel I'm alone.  I love being alone though.

I miss my independence.  I miss those times when I would only think for myself and not care about other people's business, or I should say, not care about my obligation to other people.

I miss having my own room.  Wait, I don't think I ever had my room all to myself.  It's always shared with someone else.  The only time I have my room to myself is when I travel solo.  I miss my solo travels.  Just me and myself and my camera.

So at three in the morning today, I found myself reading in bed.  I conveniently switch on the light and not have to worry if anyone will be disturbed.  I munch on two packs of sesame cookies in the kitchen and went back to my reading until I finished the book.  I miss this.  This is what I do on vacations.  Get up anytime I want.  Find something to do at any given hour and not have anyone yakking on my back.  Well, my visiting aunt just came down and yakked at me for having to be up so late (or early?).  I don't need this. Just please go away.

Wow, I seemed to have found a bit of time for myself.  I miss my music.  I used to sleep with music playing the whole night.  Now, it takes getting used to the headphones but it still makes me nauseous with my ears plugged.  I've revamped my playlist.  Katy Perry is number one on my list! I just discovered her music and boy, I'm so hooked.  The next best thing to camping out here is I can read anytime I want, provided I've had enough sleep.  My desk and library is just beside me. 

Once in a while, I still check on Mochi inside his room.  I have to brave the cold trekking in there.  Another best thing is that Mochi drops by my bed to kiss me good morning. I guess it took him some time to figure out why the bed is outside and I don't sleep beside him anymore.  Last night, he came by my bed and made lambing for the first time.  He left me his little lamb before going to his room.

Now, I am going back to bed sans the mosquitero.  I want to lay in all fours and not have to worry about knocking it down.  And oh, I love waking up to the morning breeze that wafts through the windows (I don't sleep with the fan on) and the sound of birdcalls outside. So refreshing.

Good Morning!

We were at the mall with the kids last Easter Sunday.  It was Mochi's first time to watch a movie in the theater, showing Alvin and the Chipmunks' Chipwrecked.  I couldn't stand it so I donned my headphones and slept for awhile.  I had to excuse myself and took a walk outside.

The kids did some crafting and made Granny an Easter card.  Granny got them some ice cream as an after lunch treat (actually, for those who ended up with the cleanest plate).  We were exhausted and didn't wait for the egg hunt later that afternoon.  We decided to call it a day.

As we bid farewell, Granny distributed some lollypops to the bigger kids, prompting Mochi to ask for one.  I already told Granny not to show the lollypop to Mochi.  What can I do?  Say NO?  I've had enough of being the bad guy here.  Mochi asked me to open the lolly.  I opened and gave it to Mochi, who was happy with it.

Actually it was vitamin C in a lollypop form, Granny got at the health food shop.  So I figured it won't hurt just this time, rather than make a big deal for letting Mochi try a lolly.  We went inside the car and Ham made a big deal out of the lollypop.  He took it away from Mochi and threw it out of the window, prompting Mochi to cry hard.

Why did Ham have to do that to cap the day?  At least, he could have asked nicely and try to eat the lolly so Mochi can learn to share.  It was rude and disrespectful.  Sometimes, as adults, we forget that kids should also earn the same degree of respect as adults and not treat them like bale wala.

black saturday in prayer

Mochi and I took a walk by the mall fountain.  He suddenly went on his knees and prayed.  We waited for him to be done.  Thy will be done.

I am attempting to teach him the Lord's Prayer in Aramaic, the language Jesus spoke.

Beautiful words.  Beautiful meaning.

Abwûn d'bwaschmâja
Nethkâdasch schmach
Têtê malkuthach.
Nehwê tzevjânach aikâna d'bwaschmâja af b'arha.
Hawvlân lachma d'sûnkanân jaomâna.
Waschboklân chaubên wachtahên aikânadaf chnân schwoken l'chaijabên.
Wela tachlân l'nesjuna
ela patzân min bischa.
Metol dilachie malkutha wahaila wateschbuchta l'ahlâm almîn.
Amên.

translation:

O, Birther of the Cosmos, focus your light within us — make it useful
Create your reign of unity now
Your one desire then acts with ours,
As in all light,
So in all forms,
Grant us what we need each day in bread and insight:
Loose the cords of mistakes binding us,
As we release the strands we hold of other’s guilt.
Don’t let surface things delude us,
But free us from what holds us back.
From you is born all ruling will,
The power and the life to do,
The song that beautifies all,
From age to age it renews.
I affirm this with my whole being.

Going through Holy Week photographs, I came upon something meaningful for me.  After the Chowking incident, I had the chance to connect with Mother.

I know how it is to be in pain, so I downloaded some healing sounds and guided meditation into her iPod, and mine, as well.  It was a pain in the patootie to figure out how to load songs into the iPod, as well, without having to lose all the data.

While waiting for the downloads, I looked at our iPods beside each other.  Mother and daughter.  I was amused as I read the fine print on the screens:

connected
eject before disconnecting 

Whatever the Universe is trying to tell me, I hear it loud and clear. Hence, this Easter photograph of the two of us.  Christ is risen, with puffy eyebags.

I seem to enjoy my life lately in an odd sort of way.  I'm not over-the-top happy.  Just cruisin' along with each unfolding scene.  I am particularly fascinated with how life's lessons are presented to me as I pose a question.  The answers simply manifest.

Going to the meat of things, we hadn't plan anything in particular for the Holy Week.  According to Ham, it's always Holy Week here.  Well, I wanted to do some personal reflection and did a bit of backlog things to do as well.

I found out about my paternal aunt's(A) hip operation through Mother.  She got off the phone with another paternal aunt (B) and ranted about the house key issue again.  Every time aunt B comes over to visit, there's always the issue on who will pick her up (Mother suggested she take the airport taxi instead of calling everyone for service) and the house key handover (aunt B still thinks she has the right to own a copy of the key).  I don't know why the timing is always off whenever she comes, we're not home.  This time, Mother suggested she stay in a hotel for her own convenience.

The reason why aunt B came is because of aunt A's accidental slip which resulted in a fractured hip.  Who better to make asikaso with aunt A than her own sister?  Mother made it sound like aunt B is disgruntled.  If I heard correctly, aunt B is in the middle of planning a trip.  Sometimes, no, make it most of the time, I'm not interested in what's going on with them but for diplomacy, I just had to lend an ear to Mother.  I had to draw the line though when she started regressing about her past life issues with the sisters-in-law.  I know it's Holy Week, but I'm not a confessional box here.

I'm not sure what had gotten into Mother when she announced that she's going to visit aunt A in the hospital after her operation on Good Friday.  She then added that she might as well go there earlier to avoid having to face aunt B the next day.  It's fine with me.  Every minute or so, Mother kept coming to me for answers (eg, what to bring? should she buy fruits? I suggested the tambis from our tree, she said it's not appropriate.  What about the curry noodles?  Huh? I wondered why.)  Finally, I told her to just go and visit.  If you have the heart to go, that's all that matters.

I was beginning to be annoyed.  Mother announced that she's giving aunt A ten grand.  Okay, rewind the story a bit.  This almost got me hypertensive again.  Mother had to comment to aunt B about giving aunt A a share of whatever inheritance that aunt B is nesting.

Here we go again.  I asked Mother what's her business telling aunt B what to do with her money?  Then I added, if the question was turned to you about not giving your other daughter inheritance money, what would you do?  Boy, that threw Mother into all sorts of defensive mode.  I really didn't want to go into this discussion.

Fast forward, I deduced Mother's motive in giving aunt A cash assistance is to spite aunt B.  Ang labas, Mother is the good sister-in-law, instead of the real sister.  I just kept my thoughts to myself.  I muttered, it's good that Mother has learned to share, even if it's not to her own daughter.  It's still giving, but what's the real motive behind it?

Later that afternoon, I was in the middle of chores when Mother wanted to go to Chowking for halo-halo.  I didn't want to go because I already ate a sandwich.  Still, we all trooped to Chowking to accompany her.

While waiting for our orders to be served, we heard a loud crash and a thud.  Everyone was silent.  We all turned to see what happened.  I stood up to see what happened only to find Mother on the floor. OMG.

Mother slipped.  One of the crew was mopping the floor and it was really wet with no warning signs posted.  I was worried about Mother's spine.  Yeah, you read it right.  Worried.  You see, that's where most senior citizens start to deteriorate once they had a fall.  I immediately rushed to her side (okay, this is unusual of me since we're not really friend-friends).  I know how it is to feel pain in the spine and I wouldn't want that on Mother no matter how horrible she is.

Mother didn't want any assistance and got up by herself.  She was mad and probably still in shock.  The store manager came over to apologize and offered to treat her wounded hand with betadine and ice pack.  I suggested we transfer our seating since we found a table inside, we had to move to the other side where Mother doesn't have to pass the mopped area.  The floor tiles are of the smooth and slippery kind though.

Ham wanted to know the details.  I asked for an incident report from the manager.  Instead of giving us one, a staff was asked to accompany us to the hospital for x-ray.

Of all the things I hate, it's accompanying people to the hospital and waiting.  Life is funny.  Mother was at the same hospital earlier, visiting aunt A and now, she's in the emergency room.  Life's twists and turns.

I prayed that things will go smoothly and it won't be such an agony in the ER.  Thank God.  Mother had her x-ray order and we waited for the results.  It was bearable since the Surgeon on duty was hot!  Not that I was fantasizing being on the operating table.  I witnessed a 2-year-old being stitched in the brows and how this resident Surgeon seemed to be on top of things in a calm manner.  The way his voice sounded, so reassuring.  Enough of that.

Chowking paid for the emergency procedures plus the pain reliever tablets.  The manager even called up today to ask if Mother was okay.  I commend how they dealt with the accident.  We still wouldn't know if there's a slipped disc but the results for fracture were negative.

It's something to be thankful for.  I had the chance to be of use to Mother, for going up and down the stairs to heat the back pad for her.  Honestly, I dread being a caregiver.  Come to think of it, when it's my turn to be bedridden, I hope that day won't come.

After all the heartaches and drama between me and Mother, I was still the one who was at her side despite how I hated her before (I can't say I'm completely cured of that).  I didn't feel any grudge or hatred at all.  There's still this bit of kindness left in me. 

I don't know. After all those times of wishing my Mother was gone (at the point of unbearable agony living with her co-dependency attitude), suddenly, I was thinking what if she is gone in an instant?  That would mean, no more torture.  But would it mean that I learned my lesson on how to deal with characters like that?

I concluded that nakabawi din si Mother sa part of the cash donation to my aunt, subsidized by Chowking.

Post Script

Mochi passed by the Santo Nino statue at the lobby.  Daddy, give coins! He shouted.  I wondered how he knew to give donation.

Ham came over and said that Mochi fished out fifty bucks from his wallet and dropped it inside the Sto. Nino case.  Mochi looked at Ham, Daddy some more!!

I guess Mochi is thankful that his Granny's okay.

It was bedtime when Mochi said he wanted to do the treadmill.  It's bedtime na Mochi.  He then took his pillow and walked on top of it.

Treadmill, mumee!

I laughed.  He has quiet an imagination.  I took his small hotdog pillow and held it in front of him for support and treadmill controls.

In his mind, he's training for a marathon.  A mochithon, that is.

chicken parts I fancy since I was a kid: chicken brain, neck, heart and liver

While I was watering the plants in the garden with Mochi, there was a sharp pain on the right side of my head.  It felt like a needle was inserted and something sort of 'snapped'.  I paused.  My thoughts were: Was it embolism/aneurysm? What do I do to stop things from bursting in my head?  How long was I to live?  Did I do the things I was supposed to do? (Okay, the only nagging thing that crossed my mind were the unfinished scrapbooks). Maybe it's just air embolism.

I just stood there with my forefinger pressed against the site of the pain in my head.  Mochi was saying something in the background.  Actually, he was whining for me to carry him.  I had to decline.  I feel I might aggravate the situation if I carry something heavy.

I came inside the house and wanted to rest and not think of anything at all.  Wait, I don't think I can lay flat.  Maybe the blood will rush to my head.  What do I say to Mochi about my pain in the head?

I wanted to watch a movie lately.  Hunger Games crossed my mind while I was at the mall.  Another movie on queue was Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close on DVD.  No, I didn't want an emotional cry-cry movie.  What do I watch in case I don't wake up anymore?

I plunked the Red Cliff disc and sat in bed watching.  Another pain attack in my head.  I fell asleep before disc 2 ended.  At least, I still woke up today. Thank God.

Short Song Style. (短歌行)

I lift my drink and sing a song,
for who knows if life is short or long?

Man’s life is but the morning dew,
past days many, future ones few.

The melancholy my heart begets,
comes from cares I cannot forget.

What can unravel these woes of mine?
I know but one drink – Du Kang Wine.

Disciples dress in blue,
my heart worries for you.

You are the cause,
of this song without pause.

Across the bank a deer bleats,
in the wild where it eats.

Honored my guests I salute,
strike the harp! Play the flute!

Bright is the moon’s spark,
when can I pick it apart?

Thoughts of you from deep inside,
cannot settle, cannot subside.

Friends drop by via a country road,
the respect they pay really show.

A long due reunion we fest,
sharing past stories we possessed.

Stars around the moons are few,
southward the crows flew.

Flying with no rest,
where shall they nest?

No mountain too steep,
no ocean too deep.

Sage pauses [from meals] when guests call,
so at his feet the empire does fall!

(poem written by Cao Cao just before the Battle of Red Cliffs, in the winter of 208 CE)

I couldn't help but notice the sign in front of the elevator in this madre-runned hospital.  I gather this is one of the signages guiding people on what to do or how to behave within their establishment.  It took us longer to get inside the elevator as we had to wait for the lift to go down (no one was allowed to get in if you're not to go down) and another trip because the alarm buzzed as the allowable 1000 kilos was met.  I sighed out loudly for Ham to hear.  It was much faster in the other hospital with no IN/OUT signages as long as people are courteous with each other's presence and exercise common sense on self-directing habits.

I found it to be irritating, these signages.  They can be eyesores in the interior design of a place.  Nagging, because of the long wording used.  This reminds me of my mother who loves to write little notes and signages targeted to those people she dislikes, especially when using her things.  They just sound so accusing.

Take for instance another signage posted by the elevator doors which says to prioritize patients, doctors and senior citizens (if I remember correctly) in bold letters.  At the fine print, medical representatives should take the stairs.  This seems to me like the med reps are undesirables and should not be privileged to take the lift.  Okay lang if there is a sign that says, Med Reps pass this way, instead of a litany of words only to convey the main thing at the fine print.  Direct to the point.

Are you IN or OUT? I couldn't help but plug in the issue of the Catholic school students who were banned from attending their high school graduation rites because of some indecent photos posted in their facebook accounts.  I agree with the nuns though.  I mean, why drag this small matter into court?  I just couldn't help but wonder about the parents of these girls who sided with their kids.  What were they thinking?  I mean, smoking and drinking minors?  Aren't the parents supposed to reprimand their kids first before it gets to the nuns?  The parents really need to see which direction their kids are heading for.

On the other hand, I'm one of those students who do not really follow directions.  I follow my own directions.

These days, Mochi has taken a fancy on the
alcohol sprayer and has replaced its contents with water. 
In his mind, it's his weapon.  Whoever crosses his path, gets sprayed.

From sun up to sun down, this tiny terrorist is vigilant.

Beware!

Mochi and I planted tomatoes on Earth Hour.

Mochi sported a mustache this morning with a bit of goatee while having breakfast.  Here goes our morning chat...

Mad: Hi Moch! Let's do question and answer okay?
         Are you a girl? You answer: No, I am a boy.
         Are you a boy? You answer: Yes, I am a boy.

Mochi: (repeats after me in a small voice)

Mad: Okay, repeat ta ha.  Are you a girl?

Mochi: NO

Mad: Are you a boy?

Mochi: NO

Mad: So what are you?

Mochi: a STAR!

Took a self-portrait last night with my red hair and red glasses.
My life in color.

My little black mouse went haywire, so I got a little red mouse instead.

A red clear book to stuff papers, clippings and reminders
instead of piling them up on my desk.

Painted my toenails with Chanel's Midnight Red at around midnight.

Found this cute pair of red underwear.

Oh goody! A book with my name on it. MADness.

My seven-hour massage ended in a light note as we said our good-byes for the day.  Manang doesn't stop unless I tell her to do so.  I don't know how long I must have dozed off.  I usually do not sleep when having my massage, but this time it was different because I could not imagine what Manang was talking about.  There were different images in my mind.  I was already dreaming.

I messaged her earlier at 2a.m. before I went to bed, thinking that if I woke up late, I wouldn't have to wait so long to have my massage since Manang would be here just in time.  Well, I had to wait a bit since it rained hard in her side of the woods.

After years of having this relationship with Manang, it is only now that I personally message her.  Otherwise, I ask other people to contact her.  There is this thing I have against being too close for comfort.  I had to message her myself now since other people started to complain about using up their sms load.  Point taken.

What seems to be bothering you, Dai? Manang asked me.  I got your text and couldn't go back to sleep thinking that you're probably insomniac and surfing the net.

Yes, she was right.  At ten in the evening, I was really drowsy.  After asking myself the question on which areas in my life was I happy and contented, I garnered a straight ZERO.  I hit the bottom.  I cannot believe I wake up every single morning with a poker face, thinking that this day is going to be different.  I wasn't happy.  I wasn't sad.  I was angry.  I was frustrated.  Half of my body was slowly turning to stone.  Really.  By midnight, I was still on the internet seeking enlightenment because I had no one to talk to.  What's to talk about, anyway?

Dai, gahi man kaayo ka?  Manang was concerned.  Yeah, if Ruth turned into a pillar of salt for looking back at the destruction of Sodom, there I was turning into a stone after looking back at my life.  I was numb and cold, like I came out of an icy lake.  Cold sweat trickled down my spine.

Actually, I wasn't feeling anything.  I thought there was nothing wrong with me.  I couldn't cry.  I couldn't think.  I tried to scan images of what transpired the whole week.  There, images began to form.  I tried to piece the events together.  These people.  These people came from my past all at once, talking at the same time.  I paid attention to what they were talking about, and how it concerns me or what messages did they bring.

At the end of the week, they left and I was drained.  I felt nauseous.  I felt really bad.  I felt shamed.  I don't know why I was feeling all this guilt.   For two weeks now, there's this throbbing 'hole' in my head.  It felt like being stabbed in the head with a broken bottle.  It was painful to turn my head and literally look back over my shoulder that I had to turn my whole body just to look back.  I was just in pain every day.  My entire body, mind and spirit was in pain.

I was at the point of being irritable.  I couldn't stand everyone around me.  I keep getting into arguments, trying to stress my point.  I was trying to hide my pain.  These people couldn't sense my pain.

While in the midst of my massage, I told Manang I want to hold a piece of stone to ease my pain, sort of to transmute it.  I remember Manang telling me before to whisper my troubles to a stone.  I have to find a suitable stone to make sugid.  In my mind, I wanted to hold my rose quartz.

Diba Dai, naa kay bato nga buhi? Manang reminded me.  I thought hard.  Oh yeah, where were they?  She was referring to my Boji stones, the ones that pulsate.  I stood up and walked over to the altar and fished them out.  Thank God, they're still alive.

After listening to these people talk about cover-ups, don't tell this and that, and whatever hidden agendas and half-truths,  I don't know what to believe anymore.  I didn't want to be part of their web of truths (or lies).  It was like a flashback.  The way I see it, I was given another chance to go back and say my peace to these people so we can move on.  I had to face my demons.  I didn't resist.  It's also weird that I keep having disturbing dreams lately.  God, I'm so out of sync.

I told Manang at two in the morning, I wanted to go to a temple, to a church, just to coccon. I felt dead. I need to resuscitate my spirit. The last time, I called on Allah. This time, it was Buddha who helped me out of my pit.

You can search throughout the entire universe
for someone who is more deserving of
your love and affection than you are yourself,
and that person is not to be found anywhere.
You, yourself, as much as anybody
in the entire universe,
deserve your love and affection.

"Raja Sutta: The King" (Ud 5.1), translated from the Pali by Thanissaro Bhikkhu.
Access to Insight, 8 July 2010,

Searching all directions
with one's awareness,
one finds no one dearer
than oneself.
In the same way, others
are fiercely dear to themselves.
So one should not hurt others
if one loves oneself.

I listened to the Heart Sutra over and over until I felt this sense of peace, of compassion. My heart thawed and tears flowed.  I need an attitude change. I went to bed with Buddha's thoughts:

In the end these things matter most:
How well did you love?
How fully did you love?
How deeply did you learn to let go?